Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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