can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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