I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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