you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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