so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
