I wish you could order shots online.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
