I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
