I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
