Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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