I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
