i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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