theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
