Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
