Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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