goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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