Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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