I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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