I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
