I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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