She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
