u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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