that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
