She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
