we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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