I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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