weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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