I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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