I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She's the barista slut.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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