i don't plan on having that self control this summer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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