Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
