ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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