So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
