yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
