my phone needs a breathalizer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There r osticjed everywhere
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
