News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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