I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
