you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
