Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
His nipple licking is glorious
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