xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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