On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
