I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
why do cheetos always look like penises
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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