and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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