I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
