I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize