shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
a search helicopter?!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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