I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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