i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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