Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
