About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
