I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My bed smells like the plague
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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