like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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