girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
