So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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