someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
